This Ain't Narnia
by thegoblinjester
Summary: Romano finds it hard to come out of the closet... literally. SpaMano. Rated for Romano's swearing. Human names used.


**This started out as a short thing about Lovi in a wardrobe... then it turned into this whole thing heavy with dialogue, because I get so carried away with dialogue.**

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"Dammit... I'm a grown man now, this shouldn't be happening..." Lovino Vargas muttered angrily to himself. He was trapped in one of Antonio's wardrobes, having fled there when Francis and Gilbert had come over. Unfortunately, Gilbert followed him and locked the wardrobe, laughing in his signature way. Lovino had pounded on the door and yelled for help, but to no avail. Now he sat with his back to the colorful Spanish garments, knees pulled to his chest and tears flowing down his cheeks.

"What's the fucking point of having a damn lockable wardrobe, anyway? It's not like he has golden tomatoes in here or something!" Lovino said, mostly to himself. "If he did, I'm sure he'd be able to afford a MUCH better wardrobe than this shitty thing! Of course, that damn Spaniard's never had good taste in anything besides tomatoes, and who doesn't love tomatoes?"

The pointless chatter was mainly to cheer himself up, but it wasn't working. It was dark and cramped in there, and it smelled of mothballs. He was never one to admit it, but the Italian man REALLY wasn't fond of the dark. It was yet another thing he had in common with his brother. However, unlike Feli, Lovino didn't have a big buff macho potato-eater to run to in the middle of the night.

"Fuck it all..." he cursed, trembling ever-so-slightly. And now he was getting hungry. He wiped away his tears bitterly, hoping no one found him in such an embarrassing state. The darkness was sort of oppressive, and Lovino was starting to worry about spiders...

It was a shame he wasn't in a wardrobe made from a tree of Narnia, or he'd have much more room. He had already pressed his hands against the back of it, but it obviously was not magical in anyway. He _did_ find a plush bull, which he assumed Antonio had kept from his youth. It was sort of cute... the bull, that is. _Definitely_ not the idea of Antonio holding onto something from his childhood.

Lovino hugged the bull, as he was alone and feeling kind of trapped and in need of comfort. Surprise surprise, it smelled of tomatoes. If it was a lion, he would have called it Aslan, but it wasn't, so he decided to call it Ferdinand, like in the story about the bull who preferred to smell flowers than fight in bullfights. Antonio liked retelling that story often, usually when Lovino was trying to take a nap.

"Was Antonio this annoying as a child?" Lovino asked the bull, who did not say no.

"Of course he was." Lovino said in agreement. "He's always annoying. Even though he grows the best tomatoes, makes the best paella, is always there for me, and is really fucking handsome, he's _far_ too annoying."

"What? _No!_ I don't like him!" Lovino said quickly, looking at the bull as if it was crazy. Then he realized who the _real_ nutcase was.

"Geez, how pathetic am I? Talking to a stuffed animal..."

All of a sudden, Lovino heard footsteps. Someone had entered the room where the accursed wardrobe was located. He wanted to call out, but it might have been Francis and Lovino did _not_ want to end up being rescued by that pervert. Who knew what that frog would do to him! Lovino shuddered at the thought.

"Strange... I wonder where he ran off to?"

Oh, it was Antonio.

"Tomato bastard..." Lovino cried out weakly, then remembered that he was crying and hastily tried to erase any evidence of the tears that still kept coming.

"Lovi?" Antonio asked with alarm. "Where are you?"

The Italian did not respond. He was not sure if he wanted to see Antonio at that moment, but he really wanted to get out of there. But he was still crying, and how embarrassing would it be to have Antonio see that!

"Hey, why is the wardrobe locked?" the Spaniard wondered. "I _never_ have it locked..."

Humming cheerfully, he unlocked it, and Lovino, who had been leaning against the door, fell out. Luckily, Antonio managed to catch him in the nick of time.

"Oh, so _that's_ where you were!" the cheerful brunet said happily. "I was getting worried, and- Lovi?" he frowned when he saw the Italian crying. Carefully, he sat down on the bed with Lovino on his lap. Surprisingly, Lovino did not protest.

"If those aren't tears of happiness, please stop crying." Antonio said softly, hugging the younger of the two close.

"D-d-dammit, you bastard, what fucking use do you have for a wardrobe that fucking _locks?_" Lovino tried to sound angry, but he was really glad to be out of there.

"I really don't know, actually!" Antonio said with a chuckle.

"Of course you don't."

Antonio laughed again, then pushed Lovino away a bit so he could look him in the eye.

"Why were you crying?"

"I wasn't." Lovino said, scrambling off of Antonio's lap.

"Are you sure? Because that's what it seemed like to me..." the Spaniard said, cupping Lovino's cheek in his hand. The auburn-eyed man pulled away, blushing. "You can tell me anything, Lovi." Antonio reassured him.

"Promise you won't laugh, or tell anyone else of this?"

"I promise." And Antonio said that so sincerely that Lovino sighed and gave in.

"It was nothing, really... but... I don't like the dark. Or cramped spaces that may or may not have spiders running around. It was.. kinda fucking scary, alright?" Lovino admitted, averting his eyes from Antonio's bright green ones.

The Spaniard found this both immensely adorable and heart-wrenching at the same time. He put an arm around Lovino's shoulders and pulled him close.

"Lovi, I'm very sorry... but you should know that I will always protect you, alright? No matter what, because you are so very dear to me..."

"Really? I mean, yeah, I know." Lovino tried to act nonchalant, but his heart rate had sped up quite a bit from that, and his cheeks were flushed.

"I really mean it." Antonio said, deciding to take a huge risk and kissing Lovino on the cheek. "Te amo, Lovino Vargas."

Lovino stiffened, and Antonio pulled away quickly, worried that he had incurred the wrath of the Italian. Lovino turned to look at Antonio, as if seeing him for the first time.

"Er, sorry..." Spain said sheepishly. "I mean, I'm not sorry that I love you, but I'm sorry if I was too forward with you, and-"

He was cut off by Lovino, who grabbed him by the collar and kissed him full on the mouth. Before Antonio could comprehend what was happening, the kiss ended.

"I..." for once in his life, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo was at a loss for words. "Uh... wow..."

"And _that,_ tomato bastard, is how you kiss someone you love." Lovino said with a half-smirk.

Antonio blinked, his mind still trying to register what had happened, because just a moment ago, Lovino had been distraught, and then he had _kissed_ Antonio...

"Keseses~ Look Francis, he came out of the closet in more ways than one!"

Both brunets started at the sound of a certain albino's laughter. Lovino scowled, and Antonio finally managed to find some sense.

"Gilbert?"

The German man stood in the doorway, with Francis close behind. They were both smirking, and Francis had this look about him which did not bode well.

"Potato bastard number two's the one who locked me in the fucking wardrobe!" Lovino exclaimed angrily.

"Is that so?" Antonio asked, still smiling but with more of a menacing aura.

"Uh, it was a joke... you know, an awesome joke..." Gilbert said defensively. "Besides, it got the two of you together, right? You should be grateful!"

"You made Lovi cry." said Antonio.

"I thought we agreed never to speak of that to anyone!" Lovino said.

"Oh, right. Sorry, mi corazon! Here, let me go find my ax and kill Gilbert, then I'll make it up to you."

"... Alright."

"Hey! That's so not awesome!"

"Unless he's talking about a _metaphorical_ ax..." Francis said with a grin.

"What do you mean by that?" Antonio asked, confused.

"You see, mon ami, by 'ax', you could have meant-"

"Shut the fuck up, pervert frog!"

"Come on, Gilbert. We should leave these two alone~" Francis said with a wink, pulling the so-called Prussian man out of the room.

"I still don't get what he meant by 'metaphorical ax'..." Antonio said.

"How _you _ever got into the Bad Touch Trio is a mystery to me." Lovino grumbled.

Antonio, with nothing more to say, changed the topic.

"Hey, you found that old bull plushie! I was wondering where that went!"

"Oh, yeah. I got so bored in that damn closet that I actually started talking to the thing. He thinks you're annoying, too."

"Oh? I always knew it as 'Rosa'..." Antonio said thoughtfully. "Though perhaps it's time she- I mean _he_ had a new owner?"

"Anyone would be better than you, I'm sure. No good owner stuffs his bull in a closet."

Antonio grinned and gave his new lover a quick peck on the lips.

"Would _you_ like to have him, Lovi?"

Lovino blinked.

"Really? I'm sure it means a lot to you... not like I care... but are you sure?"

"Of course I am. _You_ mean a lot more to me, anyway." Antonio insisted.

"Damn cheesy bastard..." Lovino muttered, though his cheeks were red and he couldn't stop the smile before it happened. Antonio gasped.

"Dios mio! Are you... _smiling?_"

"So what if I am?" Lovino demanded, crossing his arms.

Antonio looked like he was about to burst into song. All he managed to do, however, was tackle-hug Lovino.

"I'm so happy, Lovi!"

"What for?" the Italian asked, already used to being crushed in hugs.

"I made you smile! I love it when you smile, you know? It lights up your whole face and you're so beautiful, and-"

"Idiot, you don't call boys beautiful." Lovino said, immensely flustered. Antonio, who had released the Italian from his grip, smiled.

"But you _are_ beautiful. What would you rather I call you? Cute? Sexy? Gorgeous? They're all true, you know."

Lovino grew increasingly flustered with each adjective.

"I'd prefer you just call me by my damn name, you idiot."

Antonio pouted.

"Is that what you're going to call me? Not the most imaginative pet name... I believe both Arthur and Lukas use it for their lovers..."

"That's because you, Mathias _and_ Alfred are _all_ idiots. And you're the biggest idiot of them all."

"Biggest idiot with the biggest-"

"Don't go there."

"Why? I was just gonna say heart..." Antonio said, confused again.

"Oh. Whatever." Lovino said with a pout.

"You're so cute!"

"You're such an idiot."

"Yes, but I'm _your_ idiot~"

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**That last line was also used in my fanfic "Bite Me", which I highly recommend because it is awesome and has all sorts of pairings and supernatural monsters. The golden tomato thing was also lifted from that.**

**Lovi talking to the bull is inspired by one of my upcoming DenNor fanfics, where Den talks to a plush bunny.**

**The bull is based off my plush bull, Antonio.**

**The "If those aren't tears of happiness, please stop crying" was lifted from Futurama.**

**The kiss was kinda inspired by Felix and Calhoun's kiss in Wreck-it Ralph.**

**Lukas = Norway**

**Mathias = Denmark**


End file.
